so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
