I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
