I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
