Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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