I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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