I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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