I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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