So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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