You smell like stripper and shame
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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