Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
