i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
