She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize