you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
