How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
