all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
