Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
