I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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