you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
