I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
