I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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