Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
