I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
