I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
this is an emotional support booty call
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
