I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize