i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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