i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
