i came on her dog
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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