I could make wine with my vomit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
