ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize