Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
