No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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