I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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