We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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