i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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