i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
