all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
