I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hippo gnu deer
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
