I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
