Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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