I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
