Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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