guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
