dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's always time for handjobs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
