DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
