Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
