I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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