found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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