2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
