I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
