one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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