Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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