She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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