I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
