i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
