If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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