I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
