last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
