I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
