Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
