I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
