i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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