God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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